Christmas and "Elf n' Safety".....

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Merlin

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Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way


A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields to avoid prosecution for trespassing. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.


While Shepherds Watched

While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around


The Bethlehem Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore a range of benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement, dark weather conditions at this time of year, that Hi-Viz jackets be worn by the shepherds. Ideally, they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras, from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the Angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory and that the amounts of Glory radiated have been measured and that the PPE provided is appropriate.


Little Donkey

Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load


The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry. Also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many statutory rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period.

Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear dust face masks, to prevent inhalation of any potentially hazardous airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights. Consideration should also be given to the correct disposal of any wastes created as a result of the plodding activity.

We Three Kings

We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star


Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'Cash for Gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and Myrrh are not considered appropriate, due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

Furthermore, we would not advise that the traversing Kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will also require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.

The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:


Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.


Rudolph the red nosed reindeer

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.


You are hereby advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.

I wish to stress that the Safety Practioner's opinions expressed above are not mine......:LOL:
 

arnljot

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I think it would be wise for the Three Kings from the Orient to also check with customs if their goods can be carried accross borders, or if any tolls have to be paid.

Also, for the open sleigh ride, I´d consider installing seat belts and perhaps even issue helmets to passengers if you use more than one horse incase they suffer a speed related tip or crash.
 

Merlin

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Once in Royal David's City
Once in Royal David's City
Stood a lowly cattle shed.
Where a mother laid her baby
in a manger for his bed.

Bethlehem Social Services Department and The National Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Children would like to point out that the laying of a baby in a manger is not considered adequate child care, particularly in the presence of farm animals that may carry transmittable diseases such as Swine Flu. We therefore issue a warning to Mary and Joseph Christ and other parents that if this type of activity continues, steps will be taken to remove the children from the parents and possible prosecution may result for neglect. We have placed the child of Mary and Joseph Christ on the 'At Risk' register and a social welfare worker will call shortly to check on the conditions that the child is kept in.

The Christmas Song
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost nipping at your nose
Tiny tots with their cheeks all aglow
and folks dressed up like Eskimos

A risk assessment needs to be performed for the roasting of nuts in the presence of a naked flame and protective heat resistant gloves should be provided to the persons performing the nut roasting activity. Consideration should be given in the risk assessment for breaks to prevent heat stress, along with the provision of adequate drinking water for the roasters to prevent dehydration. An exclusion zone with barriers should be put in place to prevent the tiny tots from coming into close proximity with the naked flame environment and all flammable substances should be stored in a flameproof container. Fire extinguishers (CO2 or water) should also be provided with a suitable rating for Class A fires.

Further consideration should be given to the potential effects of hypothermia on the tiny tots. Adequate thermal clothing should be provided in order that the tiny tot's body temperature does not fall sufficiently to trigger hypothermia.

The Inuit community have expressed their concern at the number of persons dressing up and possibly impersonating the native Eskimo community. As a result of the complaint that has been lodged, all further dressing up like Eskimos has been suspended until further notice.

Actually, when you think about it, Christmas wouldn't have got started these days, with all of the current regulations and departments that dictate what can and can't be done....
 

Kin Hell

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Whilst all Brilliant Merlin, these instances are a very good reflection on how unfortunate things are with the society we have created for ourselves thesedays.....

That's my bah-humbug bit for the festive season, but again m8y;

They really are brilliant. :D

Kin
 
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