Michael Schumacher's Sekret Tagebuch-Blog

Justin

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there are a load of these sekret blogs i can dig out if anyone's intersted?:D








Michael Schumacher's Sekret Tagebuch-Blog

Wednesday 20th January 2010



Well, here we are. Quite honestly and obviously I never thought that this situation of returning to Formula 1 would happen for me. But as Sean Connery said in the famous James Bond movie, Never Say You Only Live Twice.

It was not a difficult decision to be making when the big guy got on the phone and said "Michael, I've got a seat for you in 2010." I knew straight away that this wasn't DFS Germany with my latest Lazee Boy leather armchairstuhle.

My prickle is already coming after the false alarm with Felipe and so I was more than fully motivated for a return. My batteries were loaded and I was ready to fire them. Quite honestly and obviously my biggest problem was not my neck or the worry to be the old gunslinger in town waiting on the street corner to be gunned down by the young guns, no. It was the people I would disappoint in moving to a different team. How would my beloved tifosis react? What would Luca and Stefano say? And would Jenson mind being my No.2 at Mercedes?

It would be a strange scenery joining Jenson. I believe he had a poster picture of me on his bedroom wall as a teenager - in between Cindy Crawford and Samantha Fox. I hope he dreamt about me in the right way, you know what I mean... ! Oh yes, this is something else I plan for my comeback year. I am aiming at being 42% funnier than 2006 when I retired. It's the way I am them telling.

Then one day in September Ross came on the phone and said "big problem, TrophyKabinetMeister, (one of his not so little pet names) Norbert wants a German driver signed before Mercedes make the announcement they are taking over Brawn". My neck did not have the 100% go ahead at that position so he had no choice but to make Nico Rosberg my No.2 and pretend that Jenson's wage demands were too much.

Keep that all on your own, though, my TagebuchBlogsters.

Lieblings pudgie wudgie donut face is not happy that I am returning to the grid, but at least she is happy that I won't have to appear as The Stig on Top Gear any more. She has never been warm to that programme. "Jonathan Clarkson is boring, the small one looks like an ageing porn star and the other one is a man with a teenage girl's haircut," is what she thinks of it. I like them all - but they drive as fast as Great Aunt Hildegard and it is troubling that one of them looks like Great Aunt Hildegard.

You know the one thing that makes me laugh - apart from pictures of Ralf's new haircut - is the amount of advice people are giving me when I am announcing my return. Schumi is making a big mistake, Schumi may live to regret it, Schumi will find it tough out there, Schumi's not getting any younger (and that's just Damon Hill talking).

What they don't realise is that I couldn't give a monkey's banana to the lot of them. My great joy is testing the car, so I will get to test it on Friday and Saturday and on Sundays they throw in a race for free. How good is that? And David Coulthard will have to say nice things about me. What is more - there are now 147 'complete biographies' of Michael Schumacher that are not complete at all.

To end with a joke and my bid to become 42% funnier.This is one I will try on my mechanics, but perhaps not before the race in Shanghai.

"I once dated a woman from the Chinese State Circus. Things were going well and so I asked her if she would like to come back to my place for a 69. She said, 'I'm not cooking at this time of night!'"

It is the way I am them telling.

Auf weidersehen meine kleine blogsters!
 

Templar

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Michael Schumacher had an A1200 or not? :D
 

Justin

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well this post has been viewed 47 times, so do you lot want any more of these secret Schuey diaries?

cheers, JuvUK
 

Merlin

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Yeah, "Der Sekret Tagebuch von Michael Schumacher" is classic; bring 'em on!!
 

imnogeek

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8 or 9 of those views would be me doing the mod thing ;)

and in answer to your question, ner I don't like him :p

Gary
 

Justin

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Secret Diary of Michael Schumacher: Part 1

June 2002
Part One: At last we have found the tortoise!

I am still so very angry about what happened at the A1-Ring. Willi is telling me not to read the newspapers - which I am not - and Sabine is keeping the dog-pack at the bay, but I am still filled up with anger about the press conference. The question that is sticking most in my mind?
'What is the championship worth if you win it now?'
That is not a correct question. How would I know? It could be worth between $20m and $50m, only Willi knows the answers to that. But what a time and place to be asking about money.
It is a relief to be back in the factory and talking to 'Father' Rory Byrne. I must explain about this. I once was thinking when I was looking at him, that if you put him into a priest's uniform, he would look just like a traditional Irish countryside priest. And since that time we are having this enormous joke where I call him 'Father' and he is calling me, 'my son'. Nigel Stepney is in on our joke also with 'Father Byrne'. He is saying to Rory, "Can you fix that Father, to be sure, to be sure," and they are both laughing a long time. I do not know why. Perhaps I will use that funny line also "to be sure, to be sure".
I am having a phone call from Ralf in the week asking why I did not come over to see him, Cora and little David in Spielberg. In all things between us we can talk openly and plainly except when it comes to Cora. I deflected his enquiries with counter questions about his hairstyle. This story, that the colour was a 'bad mistake' by a hairdresser, not for a second do I believe. I am sure that it is Cora who is wanting to change his looks and image. And what a disaster she has caused. He was wearing one of his 'oh no, I've broken the go-kart again' faces all weekend, that I know so well from our childhood.
It is not a good time for me with either the Austrians or the Swiss after the environmental party turn down our plans for a ranch - the reason they say is that the land is for agriculture. I am wanting to say back to them in a very loud voice - what are horses then, a chemical works? I do not think horses are industrial, they are as green as the leaves on the trees. I believe the reason they are saying no is because motor-racing is not green or they are McLaren fans. It is a big disappointment because Corinna loves horses so much. She even calls me mein kleines pferde gesicht at our moments of great passion.
However the good news is that we have found Gunther, the tortoise Mika Hakkinen gave us. We had so much fun last year with Gunther, but just after hibernation we put him in the garden and the little fellow made a break for it. Lucky for us our neighbour found him. She said she knew he had to be ours because it was the only tortoise she'd ever seen painted with a 'Deutsche Vermögensberatung' logo.
On Thursday I have to confess I had my fourth chocolate biscuit of 2002. It was a lapse in concentration, a moment when I was not being focused and I just reached out and took it from a plate in the middle of a table. I do not intend to repeat this act of madness until the championship is won. To make up for it, I spent an extra hour in the gym, running an extra 20 kms. I do not think Jean, will notice when he gives me my weekly massage.
As for Monaco, I am looking forward to the race extremely. Our tifosis will be camped on the hillside for the race and I will thank them for their understanding and dedicate the race victory to them. Somebody said that I have won at Monaco so many times that if I win the race one more time I should keep the trophy, but I do not believe this is possible.
I am not looking forward to the questions by the Juan Montoya-loving press room. They are like jackals after meat and I do not want to play the lonely wildebeest that is getting separated from the herd. I have been looking in the mirror and practicing 'I'm very sorry' faces. That will have to do.
 

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Secret Diary of Michael Schumacher: Part 2

July 2002
Part Two: Like putting a bear in your fridge!

So, we are reaching Monaco for the great Formula 1 rush hour. Ralf made a very good phrase saying the race here is like flying a helicopter round your bedroom. Everyone is telling him this is a really good phrase and so I decided to think up one also while on my 4 hour jog through the mountains (before breakfast). 'Driving round Monaco is like putting a bear in your fridge.' I was laughing thoroughly for the last 12 kilometres.
I told Corinna it is so funny. You go to the fridge, you open it up, there is a bear inside! She said it did not work for her.
It is unfortunate to have situations like Austria, to have things going on like this, but it is part of life. Honestly, I think part of the reasons I am getting a hostile reaction is that I cannot make the jokes like other drivers. Juan-Pablo is making jokes all the time and people are loving him. He says something simple, then rolls his eyes in a very childish way and everyone is then laughing so much.
They say that Germans aren't the best at humour, but Ralf is making the jokes now and getting good reactions, Heinz-Harald Frentzen is becoming Mr.Comedy, and Nick Heidfeld doesn't need to make jokes, he has comic sideboards. I am going to try very hard to make some jokes and show the human side of Michael Schumacher. Obviously I cannot be a 'robot' if I am always making the funny cracks.
It was nice to see my old friend Mika in the paddock with his little son. I suggested to him that he should fly up to Switzerland and spend us a visit, he could even see Gunther roaming round the garden. When I told Corinna she went mad because she and Erja don't see nose to nose and I was not aware of this. That will be a tricky situation.
Something that I am very puzzled about is what has happened to the king of Monaco. There is a Prince Rainier who is in charge. There is also Prince Albert and Princess Stefanie, but there appears to be no king.
Also, a big question I have never heard anybody ask. Why does Prince Albert look so much like Gerhard Berger...?
It was fun, as it usually is, playing football for my charity team with Prince Albert in Monaco on Friday. I have more hopes for our team than the German team in the World Cup, but I have all my toes crossed at once for good luck. That is a reminder to me. I must send Sepp Blatter the Paddock Club passes I promised him for Hockenheim. It was very kind of him to make sure Germany had no games during the weekend of the Canadian Grand Prix so that all my focus can be on the race.
Quite a good reception after qualifying, not too much booing. I think the journalists are happy to be in Monaco. The spectators also were much more receiving of me and of course our tifosis were much in evidence on the hillside waving their prancing horses. I noticed a lot of them had banners for Rubens which is clear to understand in the circumstances. Rubens is a much shorter word to fit on their banners than Michael.
It was so great to see Rubens annoyed after qualifying, just like in the old days. After the Austrian Grand Prix he began to worry me. He was so calm and serene that I am thinking he is joined a cult religion. It was almost like someone had pretended to him that I am retiring at the end of the season when really I am driving all the way till 2004.
The race? A good result for David, a bad result for Juan-Pablo, some nice points for Ralf. I spent 6 laps going quickly and 72 laps trying to work out the best team line-up for Germany versus Ireland. Halfway through the race Ross was very surprised when I got on the radio and asked him if Karsten Jancker had been passed fit. Ross said, "Who are you talking about? Does he work for Bridgestone?"
For me, this is by far the most hilarious moment of the weekend. Only Ralf got the joke afterwards.
 

cosmicfrog

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a 42% funnier Michael Schumacher, got be worth watchin the season just for that :D
 

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Secret Diary of Michael Schumacher: Part 3

July 2002
Part Drei: Heidi and her seven Schumis!

So now I have made the 150th win for Ferrari it is back to business as usual, as they say in business. I am thinking that we have a couple of toes on the world championship podium now. With a 43 point advantage I am getting close to the kind of gap I am comfortable with. And that is obviously a big compliment to everyone at Maranello and our tifosis as well as the test team and anyone who drives a Ferrari, or a Maserati.
Nigel Stepney, who is a groovy guy even if he is not remembering to tuck his T-shirts into his trousers from time to time, said to me that we ought to call Ferrari's attitude, the Lenny Kravitz attitude to F1.
I have to admit that I am looking at him quite blankly in response to this comment. Then he sang, "It ain't over till it's o-ver."
And then I got his meaning, because after the race I said, "It is being realistic to believe that is not over until it is over." Like I say, one groovy guy. I'm not so much into pop and soul music. Ralf and I both prefer guitar-based rock.
I was disappointed by the Villeneuve and the Montoya fans booing at me in Montreal but I blew them kisses in return. My tifosis were out in strong force at Canada also. It is a strange thing in Quebec that some of them yell (I think) - "You're the guy, you're No.1" but use the middle finger to indicate No.1. In Europe we are using the index finger for this.
After the race and on the podium I started my new strategy of winking. I am not going to try for the jokes like Montoya and Ralf and DC because they are more known for this. I have decided I will be doing my own thing and make my own trademark. I did talk over some jokes with Sabine, but it was difficult to make her react. I tried one very funny joke and all she said was, "Don't forget you have to speak to the Shell people in 15 minutes."
Jean thinks this winking is good. "It makes you look more human," he said and I think that was a nice compliment. On the podium in Montreal I pointed at people in the team and winked at them, because this suggests a jolly humorous person who is ready to let go of a cheeky wink at any moment. Ross came up to me in the motorhome afterwards smiling in his big teddy-bear way and said, "you do know Ron Dennis can wink out of both eyes don't you? That makes him a complete winker!" And then he laughed for several minutes. And then he told Nigel and Nigel is also laughing hilariously. I certainly don't get this joke thing.
For instance an internet joke I saw on OffOnF1.com: Why is Michael Schumacher the worst lover in the world? Because he's no good at coming second. I cannot understand why something so personal and intimate between two people is considered a laughing matter. I would get Willi to take action, but he shrugs and says "chill out baby, there is nothing you can do."
There is a little trouble right now with fans at both extremes of the scale chart. I have a fan called Heidi who is trying so hard to get in touch with me and is writing me letter after letter after letter saying she wants to have my children. This is not appropriate. She says she now has seven cardboard cut-out Schumis in her bedroom and every night she goes to sleep surrounded by me. These promotional figures are very nice to see, but I dare not think what some of them might get up to.
A good thought, though, is Germany's progress in the World Cup. We have every chance to get through to the Quarter Finals which will be when I am in Germany at the Nurburgring, so a lot to look forward to. I was keeping my wishes crossed that we would not meet Italy, which for sure would put me in a difficult position. If everything is successful then we could still meet up in the semi-final. Perhaps I will say, "Hey guys, I'm Swiss now."
 

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Secret Diary of Michael Schumacher: Part 4

July 2002
Part Vier: 'For Sure It's Brazil vs Germany'

Sometimes I am getting most confused by Flavio Briatore. To be honestly I have never trusted him more than a blind man trusts a greyhound for a guide dog. At times he can be a wolf in a sheep's anorak.
At the Nurburgring he was laughing at comments I have made. After the warm-up I said to journalists my car was 'stucked' in gear, when I should have said 'stuck' in gear. He also found it amusing that I said, 'Rubens is the winner and I am the seconder'.
He came up to me in the paddock after the race and said, "Michael, your eenglish is a peas poor since you leave Benetton."
I have no idea what he is mentioning about. This slang is unknown to me. Why should I be talking peas...?
Though I am not winning in Germany it was a very nice experience for me throughout the weekend, saying hello to my tifosis, thinking about Germany's World Cup semi-final, and joking around with Ross and Nigel.
I have tried to get a Brazil versus Germany football match going on the Friday afternoon after the practice was over. Rubens, Enrique, Felipe and Juan-Pablo would play for Brazil and I asked Heinz, Ralf and Nick to play for Germany. Except Nick is acting like a little girl and saying no, he cannot play, he might get injured.
Nigel Stepney was overhearing my conversation and said that he was acting like a 'big fraulein's blouse'. Yes, okay, there is a risk. But I don't remember anybody I know being injured by a table football machine.
Now we know that Brazil will for sure play Germany in the World Cup final and Willi has asked me to compose a good luck message to send to the team, 'from one German World Champion to the next German World Champions'. I am thinking this is a bit too arrogant and will not do it. We do not know if Germany will win yet. Oliver Khan our goalkeeper is a truly world class player so instead of sending a message which is a not my style I have made with him a bet. If he can stop Brazil from scoring I will ask Mr.Montezemolo to borrow Fiorano for the day, send my jet up to Munich and drive him round as a personal chauffeur. To scare important visitors we have the latest evolution of Maserati 3200 GT, or as I have nicknamed it, the Schiessen Trousers Wagen. Let us hope I have to!
Some of the attention that is received from the tifosi is not always welcome. The obsessive Heidi sent me messages saying she wanted to meet me every day at the Nurburgring from Thursday onwards. I was going to say yes, but Sabine advised me no, it would make things worse.
Ross and I are having a big joke about Jean's Ferrari tops. It is part of my ambitions in 2002 to become a 'funny guy' and if successful, I will be 70% funnier by the end of the season. In the Scuderia we are trying to work out what temperature is required for Jean to take off his woollen Ferrari team jumper. He is keeping this jumper on for even hot race days. I said to Ross that maybe we ought to run a computer simulation to predict it, because the only time he is having it off this season is in Malaysia.
Ross laughed like crazy until tears rolled down his big teddy bear cheeks. Maybe I am 50% funnier already.
I suppose it was a good meeting in Paris, even though we came away with a million dollars missing off our pay checks. After they announced that Rubens and I would get the fine jointly I told Rubens not to worry about the money, I would take care of it. I do mean that honestly and sincerely. There is no rush at all for him to pay me back, I know from my own experience that you have lots of expenses with young children in the family. He said to me, "sometimes, Michael, you have a big heart."
You know, reluctantly, I have to agree.
 

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Secret Diary of Michael Schumacher: Part 5

September 2002
Part Funf: 'Killing insects with a very large bat...?'

A very sorry thing I am having to relate to you is that Germany lost the World Cup final. Our players are possessing the ball for a lot of the match but in the end not striking home any of our advantage. Obviously I am upset about this so it does not help when I see Rubens at Silverstone with a T-shirt that reads 2-0.
It also upset me that Ralf was not so worried by our national humiliation. "So what," he said, with the kind of shrug that makes me so many times furious, "we lost. Were you expecting us to win or something?" He has been like this ever since we were at Kerpen Juniors and the only position he could play was goalkeeper.
Juan-Pablo was also making a sly dig at me. He said, "You should have rung up the Brazilian coach and got them to move over."
I smiled back patiently because I am determined our new relationship will be good. I will not eat his bait. As I remember the last time Colombia were in the World Cup the guy who scored an own goal was shot when he got home. That would not happen in Germany.
And talking of Ralf, that woman he is married to is with him at the British Grand Prix and causing him a distraction. When you are about to start a race you need focus, you don't need a crow in a dress arguing with you. If she is like this in public what happens when someone closes the doors? I feel utterly powerless to do anything though. Saying something to Ralf will not help.
My weekend at Silverstone did not get off to the best starts when I spun the car before the Bridge corner and lost my engine. A very nice marshal lent me his chair so that I could sit by the barrier and when it began to rain he gave me his umbrella also, which was a nice gesture. Some people make out that I do not like my British tifosis but this is not the case. Now I am not fighting with DC or Damon Hill we are having a picnic together.
Before the weekend Damon is saying to newspapers that I am going to retire this year. And this is giving me much quiet laughter. Damon is as good at predicting the future as he was at racing a Formula 1 car. You know every time I see his photo I am getting confused. Just after he retired his hair was so grey. Now all of a sudden it is not quite so grey. Perhaps he is taking my advice and using L'Oreal.
After qualifying I was introduced to the cricket sport. Our sponsor Vodafone had invited along Marcus Trescothick and Andrew Flintoff who are playing the cricket for England and also Sachin Tendulkar who is a big superstar in India. When they tried to explain who he was, I was already five steps ahead of the game. We are both in the top 10 of the World's Highest Earning Sportstars of which - very I modestly I have to say - I am leading.
When I am seeing his name in the past I decided to find out what the cricket is. I have to tell you it is a bit crazy. It is a sport played with an insect like a grasshopper that produces a chirping sound by rubbing its legs together. Sachin and Marcus tried to explain the rules of cricket to me, but it sounds too complicated. I am not surprised they are taking five days to play it and there is never a result at the end.
It was good to win the race at Silverstone. Ross begged me not to jump on him after the race was won, but he should have known better. "Do any more of that and we'll have to start ice dancing together," he told me - confusingly. "Seriously, Michael, my back can't stand too much of that in the future."
I said that maybe if he could fly up to Switzerland, we could train together for a few hours every week. He said, "Yes..." but I think the way he said it that he meant no.
My target of a 70% funnier Michael Schumacher by the end of the 2002 season also took a leap forward at Silverstone. I have to confess I was given this joke by Nigel Mansell, but Nigel paid me the good compliment by explaining that it would be funnier if I said it than if he did.
I was speaking to some guests from Shell in the Ferrari motorhome when I decided to seize my right opportunity. "I have a joke for you," I said, remembering not to smile beforehand. This is not correct for effective joke delivery. I looked round at the curious faces. Clearly they were not expecting a joke from the World Champion.
"Why do F1 drivers have the biggest balls?" I asked them. It all went very quiet.
I waited to give them the killer, punching line. "Because they are selling the most tickets." And do you know what, I have never seen people drop food as a result of a joke I am telling. I will have to thank Nigel and ask him for more comedy before Magny Cours.
 

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Secret Diary of Michael Schumacher: Part 6

September 2002
Part Sechs: 'No sleep till Hockenheim'

I am sorry not to have been sending this to you before this moment but you can probably guess it is necessary to do many things in the week after Magny Cours and before my home soil race.
Well, what a two weeks it has been! I am a five times world champion and the truth is finally sinking in all the way.
What a party we had in France! I spent the night celebrating with Paulo, Luca, Jean, Rory, Luca and my lieblings darling, dimple cheeks. Yes, Ross. I don't remember when I have got so drunk before, I must have had at least five bottles of beer, and after that I was totally without the legs.
After four beers I recall I am karaoke-ing in front of people to Tina Turner's 'Simply The Best', a song that I often train to. Then I thought of a little joke and I held onto the microphone. "If this was Juan-Pablo Montoya," I said and then I paused for effect. Comedy is becoming second nature to me now, "I would have to be singing 'Simply The Beast'."
Much laughter is coming to me.
As I was leaving, Jean Todt was on the stage singing 'Non, Je Ne Regrete Rien'. Though unlike the Ferrari Christmas party he was not wearing his Edith Piaf dress this time.
The reaction to me the following week was most amazing. I am being touched all over by people. It really was quite fantastic. I realize I am touching people for some time, but after Austria it is nice to see it return.
A great many are questioning what I am saying to Jean Todt on the podium at France and I have said before this is a secret to keep between the two of us. In all honestly, I have no idea what he is saying, there are klaxons going off, people are shouting, "Schumi! Schumi!" and he shouted something. I smiled and nodded but had no idea what he is saying.
In no time afterwards we are meeting up in Hockenheim. Willi has presented me with a beautiful range of new caps, T-shirts and collecting items to approve. At our first driver briefing to introduce us to the track Jacques Villeneuve looked at my new 5 World Championships cap and 5-star T-shirt. He made the suggestion that I should also be offering my tifosis the chance to buy 5 World Championship toilet paper. He said he would be quite happy to buy many quantities and use it himself, which I find unusual. Perhaps there is something behind this suggestion that I am not reading.
It is great to see a smile on Ralf's face again. He told me that the changes to his car have really been suiting him nicely and that he can be doing some good racing action with them, but I suspect he is spending less time with that woman.
We are both enjoying seeing our tifosis 22 times more than last year with a 67-lap race. And that is not including the many extra laps we can perform in practice and qualifying. Willi is wearing this enormous smile across his face after the race. My first Ferrari win in Germany, I guessed, was the cause of his smilings. "No," he said, "I forgot to tell you. We have broken all records with sales of the Michael Schumacher air horn! With 67 laps now they all have to buy refills".
What a guy!
 

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Secret Diary of Michael Schumacher: Part 7

September 2002
Part Sieben: 'Honestly, I am not scared of trees'

I have been on a great break and thanks to those tifosis who are asking how it has been for me. All I can is - wet! Because Corinna and I take a big holiday in America before the United States Grand Prix I decided to stay home and play 'Daddy Stay At Home' for a change. Which quite honestly, is the best holiday of all.
On the first day it was so beautiful in the garden that obviously I had to be out there playing with the children. I noticed for the first time a Ferrari go-kart the factory at Maranello are sending to us. The children wanted to get in it straight away, but after one push round the garden I noticed things weren't quite correct. I decided to make a few set-up changes. From my own karting days when I was No.1 mechanic on 'Chubby Ralf's' kart, I am still the expert at changing things over.
Time fell past so quickly that it was lunchtime when Corinna yelled at me "Michael, stop fiddling it with it and let the children have a go!" "Ooops," I am answering with a shrug of guiltiness. It was very tricky for me because I was in the middle of changing the anti-roll bar, and stiffening the rear axle.
I am recounting this to Ross Brawn on the phone afterwards and he said, "I bet the children said it didn't go any faster afterwards. "No," I laughed, "I should have changed the tyres also."
Later in the week it was not so funny when the rain and floodings started. We had to rescue Gunther the tortoise from the bottom of the garden after he was stranded behind a giant pond puddle. I asked Willi to send a million euros to the flood relief fund but not make a big thing of it. The next thing I know it was all over the papers and it stirred up more of the arguments about my affairs and my tax escaping.
Some politicians said that if I paid normal German taxes then that would have been far better for the German flood relief fund. I should learn the lesson that in all these things I cannot win.
On the way to the race I was keeping updated on all the F1 news. My old 'friend' (and with this I am writing with the heavy irony here) Jacques Villeneuve has rumours that his team boss wants him to go to Champcar next year. First David Richards tries to get him to take a year off, now his destination is ChampCars. I bet soon he will be telling Tomi Makinen that he is to get a new co-driver in the Prodrive Subaru team.
Earlier in the year I was suggested to race against Colin McRae in a rally car but I am refusing this because it is too dangerous. "I don't like to race near trees," I joked and everyone reported that I was scared. Which, honestly, is not true at all. I was concerned that if I did the challenge then Jean Todt would insist upon being the co-driver and he is getting - how do I place this nicely - too friendly.
A little incident I didn't tell you about at Hockenheim was meeting up with my super-obsessive fan, Heidi. Heidi is 1.90 metres (6'3"), 140kg and works as a bricklayer in Stuttgart. Her real name is Wolfgang and she has a moustache. This is worrying to me.
I am now looking around at people in a different way and feel it will be safer to keep my distances from men. Last year in Hungary I said after the race, "I have a great team and I am in love with all of them." I realise now this is too intimate and not appropriate. Perhaps I am in love with their work, but I am not sending flowers or phoning them up at all the times of the day and night asking to kiss between their toes.
That is strictly between myself and one other.
 

Justin

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Secret Diary of Michael Schumacher: Part 8

Part Acht: The Hungaroring is my bedroom

I have to say it is with apologies I am giving to you. I was hoping to have finished this latest extract of my most private thoughts for you after Spa, but, as you may well have seen on television, there have been Schumacher family celebrations. My little brother is finally coming out and getting married in public.
I have decided to bury the hatch with his wife, Cora, and will try my hardest to start on a clean piece of paper with her. Terms such as "the crow in a dress" or "that woman" or "hexe miststück" will not be seen in this diary. Corrinna says that I am in some ways slightly possessive of Ralf and that I have to let go. So, I am letting go now - an exclusive for you.
In many ways I still wish that he was dating the lovely English girl he met while at Jordan. Bizarrely, she was called Jordan also. If you are unaware of this, Jordan is a glamorous model, posing for glamorous pictures in newspapers and magazines. I did not know this. Nigel Stepney did - "She's got tremendous norks," he told me, which sounded fascinating.
When I am meeting her for the first time, I said, "Hello, I am Ralf's brother Michael, I believe you have some tremendous norks."
She said, "I beg your pardon."
When she revealed to me that 'norks' was in fact a slang name for titten I turned redder than my Marlboro Ferrari jacket. Ralf was virtually on the floor eating the carpet in hysterics.
Anyway, back to Spa. That was a fun race for me. Before the race I am saying to everyone, Spa is like my living room.
"Spa can't be your living room," said a twinkle-eyed Peter Sauber to me in the Ferrari motorhome. "You wouldn't let 10,000 Belgians camp in your living room."
Which got us talking about the various other circuits of the world and which rooms they would be. In my bid to become 70% funnier in 2002 I have learned to improvise a little.
"Well, Hungary must be my bedroom, because everyone goes to sleep there during the race. And Monza is my private chapel because it is a very special, revered place.
"So where's the toilet?" he asked.
Brazil I answered.
"No," he said, "Where's the toilet in the motorhome?"
Nigel Mansell was at Spa - not looking as fat as usual I thought. Seeing Nigel is often making me think that I would like to have a nickname from the tifosis. Nigel was a big hit with our tifosis who called him Il Leone - the lion, because of his braveness. It is a great name to have. Alain Prost was called The Professor, because of the deep way he is thinking about F1 and how he could undermine his team-mate and get the whole team working for him. Good also. Froilan Gonzalez was known as the Pampas Bull, because he looked like a bull, charged round in his Ferrari 625 and made a lot of noise, apparently.
I have more wins than I can count and I have no nickname. I would really like a suitable nickname before I end my time at Ferrari.
My 10th win in a season was great to achieve at Spa, but something I am also proud of was my first ever Best Man's speech at Little Ralfie's wedding. Though obviously I would say this, I think it was easily the best speech I am ever making. There was a little piece for everyone involved. Ralf, Cora, Mutti, Old Granny Schumacher, Willi, Ralf's boyfriends from his childhood school. I wanted to include them all on this very special day.
Ralf had warned me beforehand not to mention Jordan and the 'funny norks' story, but I said he could trust me on this one. I know when it is and it is not appropriate for comedy.
But I do say that if you have a great gift you must share it, and it would be wasteful not to share my new found gift of comedy timing. I looked over at Ralf and Cora, so happy together, and said it was lovely that my brother should have been blessed with a child so early on in his relationship. Then I pulled a comic face. (So everybody would know the comedy moment was coming up)
But why, I said, WHY did he have to name him after one of my greatest rivals on the Formula 1 track? My nephew is now David Schumacher. I said I was not looking forward to Cora getting pregnant again. If she had twin boys I would no doubt be uncle to Kimi and Juan Schumacher!
Everybody is falling about laughing. I don't know what is more fun right now - winning races or stand-up comedy. Next stop the Ferrari Christmas party.
 
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