the worlds funniest jokes

Justin

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ok here are the top 3 scientifically proven funniest jokes (I didn't pick them!)

“ A couple of Mississippi hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?" ”

The second place finisher and early leader was this joke, submitted by Geoff Anandappa of Blackpool:
“ Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me, what do you see?"

Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life."

And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."


While this was the top joke in the UK:
“ A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you." ”

Remember, don't shoot the messenger! :mrgreen:
 

SkydivinGirl

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Re: the worlds funniest jokes

JuvUK said:
OK, now what?

:ROTFLOL2: :thumbsup2:

I saw it coming a mile (or kilometer) away but it was still funny! Not the top 3 funniest jokes to me, but I've got a very odd sense of humor (or humour). :wink:

Heather
 

davideo

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Re: the worlds funniest jokes

@JuvUk

This joke (if you can cal it a joke) has been circulating around the email system at work today.

I hope it doesn't offend anybody :nono:

I don't know how true the first paragraphs are :shrug:

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes).

Irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the poonerisms ...

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.
Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.
The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let
Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.
Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing
with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. 'Mist all chucking frighty!!!' said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig Bart. 'Who's fust jarted??' asked the prandsome hince. 'Blame that fugly ucker over there!!' said Mary Hinge.
When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and
Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

Hard enough to repeat when sober let alone when drunk

Dave G 8)
 

Merlin

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Re: the worlds funniest jokes

"Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"
"That's because we've cut your arms off!"

Two nuns are cycling down a cobbled street. One says "I haven't come this way before." The other says "Neither have I, it must be the cobbles."

:woot:
 

Justin

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Re: the worlds funniest jokes

SkydivinGirl said:
JuvUK said:
OK, now what?

:ROTFLOL2: :thumbsup2:

I saw it coming a mile (or kilometer) away but it was still funny! Not the top 3 funniest jokes to me, but I've got a very odd sense of humor (or humour). :wink:

Heather

Well at least they had the desired effect! I don't think they're that funny myself, but who am I to judge (one man's meat is another man's poison)
As for mile/kilometre or humor/humour either is good as far as I'm concerned, after all English isn't English and hasn't been for many hundreds of years, it's a jumble of German, Italian, French, Greek, Norse (insert any other invaders/visitors here) etc so bearing in mind how impure our language is how can we have any right to pick fault in other languages? (pause for Merlin, Harrison and Kin to re-act) :ROTFLOL2:

Cheers, JuvUK
 

Merlin

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Re: the worlds funniest jokes

Meh.... I'm not taking the bait, Juv mate..... although it's probably a good idea to keep ethnicities out of this thread....
 

Kin Hell

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Re: the worlds funniest jokes

@ davideo

That Ronnie Barker Sketch was brilliant! :ROTFLOL2:

@ all

What's black & White & if it falls out of tree, it will kill you!? - A Fridge wearing a Dinner Jacket!

What's Yellow & Dangerous? - A bowl of custard with a Minigun!

Two Lepars playing Cards! - One threw is hand in & the other laughed his head off!

Why did the Elephant paint his nuts Red? - So he could hide in a Cherry Tree!

What did Tarzan say seeing a herd of Elephants coming over the hill? - Oh look, there's a herd of Elephants!!

What did Tarzan say seeing a herd of Elephants coming over the hill with Sunglasses on? - Nothing!! he didn't recognise them!

How did Tarzan Die? - Picking Cherries!

All quick fire stuff & equally as funny at the right times! :LOL:

Charlie
 

rkauer

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Re: the worlds funniest jokes

Merlin said:
Meh.... I'm not taking the bait, Juv mate..... although it's probably a good idea to keep ethnicities out of this thread....

:sigh:

Here goes my finest puns...
:banme:
 

arnljot

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Re: the worlds funniest jokes

It's perhaps not the funniest joke, but a joke still: Check out items 120409289252, 120409328804 and 120410721037 on ebay. Also, just look at all items by this seller.
 

Merlin

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Re: the worlds funniest jokes

:what:

I'm 99% certain that somoh = BastiBS, does that make things any clearer?

:whistle:
 

rkauer

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Re: the worlds funniest jokes

Did someone else realized the anagram? :jester:
 

arnljot

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Re: the worlds funniest jokes

I was close there for a minute, but then I lost it. :jester:
 

Justin

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Re: the worlds funniest jokes

a bear walks into a bar, the barman asks "what can i get you?"
the bear says can i have a pint of lager...............
and a packet of crisps.......................
and a glass of wine and............



some change for the pool table.

the barman says "sure no problem, but why the long pause?"

and the bear says " i can't help it, i'm a bear"

lololol geddit? pause, paws? see what i did there? lol

:ROTFLOL2:
 

SkydivinGirl

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Re: the worlds funniest jokes

:Doh:

And this is where I come for intellectual conversation! :help:

:thumbsup2: :p :thumbsup2:

J/K

Heather
 

r0jaws

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Re: the worlds funniest jokes

A couple decide to celebrate their wedding anniversary with a nice home cooked meal, using their favorite dishes and the freshest ingrediants.
The wife says to her husband, "I remember on our wedding night in Paris we ate Snails in garlic. I would love some tonight as a starter, pop down to the beach and get some sea snails from the rock pools."
Husband grudgingly picks up a bucket and strolls down to the beach. Half an hour later he is poking around and has collected an almost full bucket when a beautiful young woman comes up to him and they start talking. Soon they are chatting away and getting on very well.
The man realises that the young lady is interested in him and soon she invites him over to her place for a glass of wine.
One thing leads to another and the Man wakes up the next morning exhausted after a night of illicit passion.
He suddenly realises he has been gone all night and legs it home, grabbing his bucket of snails on the way out.
Racing down his street, he desperately tries to think of a way to explain where he has been but can't. He finally reaches the bottom of the stairway leading up to his front door and sheepishly starts to climb. Disaster! He trips, and the bucket flies from his grip and tips the snails all over the place.
His furious wife opens the door and before she can speak, the chap turns round and says,
"Come on lads, nearly there!"





Boom Boom tish!
I'll get my coat.
 

imnogeek

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Re: the worlds funniest jokes

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Justin

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Re: the worlds funniest jokes

a horse walks into a bar and the barman says "why the long face?"
and the horse says "i can't help it, i'm a horse" boom boom!

how do you know when elephants have been making love in your garden?
the grass is flat and your bin liners missing.

what did Tarzan say when he saw the elephant coming over the hill?
quick swim for it!!!

:thumbsup2: :mrgreen:
 

Merlin

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Re: the worlds funniest jokes

A couple of aviation ones for r0jaws....

Tower: "Ryanair flight 472, what is your height and position?"
Ryanair 472: "I'm five foot ten and I'm sitting in the pilot's seat."

A British Airways flight lands at Frankfurt airport and pauses on the apron, while the pilot works out which gate they need to exit at. Unfortunately, Frankfurt airport controllers aren't noted for their patience. This is the exchange that took place over the radio.
Tower: "Speedbird 801, do you know what you are doing? Have you been here before?"
There was a brief pause before the deadpan reply
Speedbird 801: "Of course I have, but that was in 1944 and it was dark."

Quantas is Australia's national airline, but did you know the nickname for it is Quite A Nice Touchdown, All Survived.

Some passengers are waiting on a plane to take off. The stewardess announces "We apologise for the delay in taking off, we are waiting for the pllot who will be here shortly." Sure enough. a man in a captain's uniform walks across the tarmac, however, he has a labrador at his side. A passenger asks "Why does the pilot have a dog?" The stewardess replies "That's because he's blind. Don't worry, all of the controls and dials have been adapted specially for him in Braille, he can fly the plane perfectly OK." The passenger thinks for a moment then asks "How does he know when to take off?" The stewardess replies "That's easy. He just goes down the runway at full throttle and listens for you all screaming "Oh sh*t, we're all gonna die!!" then he pulls back on the stick."
 

Justin

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Re: the worlds funniest jokes

how do you know when an elephants been in your fridge?
footprints in the butter!

thankyou, i'll be here all week :jester:
 
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