To quit or not to quit (warning: very extensive to read)

gavilan

Amiga user & abuser since 1988
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Hello my good friends on the Bay: i have been thinking a lot (and i really mean a lot) before posting this.

Im in the middle of what could be called "a rollercoaster". I cant get my life back to "normal" status. It means a lot (for you who read the "Free Power Flyers thread", you will understand more my situation) of effort to me waking up every morning, to do my daily things.

This nasty (i wish i could write something more aggresive to put the real name of this s**t (auto moderated) thing im having, which makes me almost impossible my everyday (i can´t travel by train, subway, taxi, and we are talking more than just simple claustrophobia here) makes me that every day feels like Hell (and its not Kin :)).

I have to travel more than 45 minutes to go to work (yes, found a new job and im very very happy). Thing is, that every single day, i have to manage how i will get there, and that makes me suffering a lot, knowing that i will be suffering a lot if i take any kind of public transport. You could say "take a cab", but its exactly the same.

I dont own a car, or a motorcycle. I just have a bike, but it would take me around hour and a half to get to my job, and i have to be very well dressed if you know what i mean...sweat and all that...

Sorry...i went anywhere.

My point, and the main reason of this post, is that since this "thing" that puts my life in a rollercoaster...is taking more and more of me, myself, my patience, my health....so... i would say that i have lost interest in almost anything in life. Its consuming all inside me. Like Alien

To live this way, its not life (at least not for me). I know, i dont have terminal diseases, or something that would be really bad, but for me, this is hell all the time. You have no idea guys, what it is to be sitted in a bar, with my girl, and suddenly, out of nothing, i can feel inside me the nasty synthom coming, so i have to rush to the exit to take a deep breath, take a good amount of ansiolitics (among other pills), and try to relax until the "thing" is gone. If im on a train (it already happened), i pulled the "emergency" button, the train stopped and i went out, screaming, crying, ashamed, and coursing my "thing" and myself, for letting this sh**t. to be the winner most of the times.

Forget about going to the cinema, or restaurant, even a concert or to the stadium to see my team (River Plate) alive.

As you can imagine so far, im about to loose my girfriend. She has done her best. After 3 years supporting me, she told me she cant do anymore, she is also very very tired of all this "thing", and she doesnt see that im going better, even tough i have changed doctors (psychiatrics, psycologist, etc) many , many times. I have tried almost anything, be it "traditional" medicine or "alternative" medicine (reiki, Bach flowers, acupunture, etc etc etc)

So, at this point, im having huge reflexions all day. Besides taking huge amounts of pills every day, which, among other things, has made my body to increase 30 kg in weight, i have terrible and nasty dreams every single night, most of them dead-related.

So far, Amigaland was one of the few (if not THE ONLY thing), that kept my interest in at least one thing. I have even lost interest in it, in being with my all time friends, i have lost interest in sex, i have lost interest in everything which made me happy.

Sorry if it sounds rude, but im talking 100% pure honesty here. I think this is the only place where i can "speak" and i know you guys on the other side of the screen will understand me.

I feel completely misunderstood by all my family, my girlfriend, my friends

Its really hard for me to make them understand what i suffer every day. They think that taking pills and going 3 times a week to the doctors, will solve all my pains.

I have pains in my soul, my body, my brain. I can feel that. Im loosing things in my brain, cognitive speaking.

Things that used to take me 5 minutes to do, now can take me up to 1 hour. Sometimes, i cant find the word to say something, i have like blank moments in my head, so i have to say all the explanation to try to make myself understood by others. Little example: i can´t say a stupid word like "house", because at that moment i can´t remember it, so i say something like "the place where everybody lives, sleeps, eat, watch tv, etc etc etc". Get my point?

Back to Amigaland: i knew this would happen sooner or later, but until now, i was kind of reliefed here. Somewhere, i felt "secure", "safe" here.

I have been a Commodore/Amiga enthusiast/fan/user/abuser/collector since 1986

Im 34, so you can see...half my life i have been surrounded by something C=/Amiga related.

I have collected and used all the stuff you can imagine. I have been so so lucky of owning PPC cards, graphics cards, accelerators, etc etc etc, all the Commodore line (of course, not a C=65 or a C=Max), all the Amiga line, all kind of peripherals, accesories... i have patiently collected over 7.000 floppy discs for C=64 and almost 5.000 Amiga disks, almost any Commodore/Amiga magazine ever published (in english, spanish, some in french/italian/german and some "rarities" like Amiga mags from Poland and former Yugoeslavia) . I have always been very very proud of my collection, and have always been very very happy using , collecting, cleaning, repairing, learning, reading threads, using IRC when forums didnt exist, getting all the knowledge i could to push my hardware to the limits

I have done many, many friends, trough and thanks to Amigaland. People that, besides sharing a passion for this platform, showed me genuine friendship (at this moment, im thinking about a VERY special guy from Poland, some of you may know him...his nick is LortMulat (Hello Marcin if you are reading this!!!). I met him with the solely excuse that we were both Amiga fans. And i stayed almost 1 week in his flat, sleeping in the floor, but having some of the best time in my life in a very, very long time. All his friends, (former Amiga users), his girfriend, his family...all extraordinary people...

(And no..im not making advertising of any kind (like "go and buy from him, 100% recommended, A++++++"!!!) , but you can buy from him with your eyes closed. :D

I have also done beatiful friendship with many on this board, on Amiga org board, on EAB, and on almost all spanish boards that exist.

But, also, my life stinks. I have come to a place which seems to be "dead end" or "no return".

Im in debt with banks. In that moment, i took a loan to help my mother, who was going bankrupt since my father left her (and left us, me and my sister) many moons ago from one day to another. Just like that. He "escaped" to USA, where he lives now. (And we were both underage). We/She (my mom), owed a debt my father left that was around, U$S 500.000 (five hundred thousand)

We sold our house, our car, our shop....anyway, like the phoenix, me, my mother, my sister, with the help of our grandparents and uncles, rised again. Thankfully, my sister is married and lives a very happy life in Paris, France.

Thankfully, my mom has found a truly gentleman, a guy who takes care of her very very well.

Im proud and happy to say i still have my grandparents alive (88 and 85 years old) and that i can still debate with them about politics, economy, the world we live, etc etc.

But (there is always a but, right?), i feel empty. Inside myself, i feel completely empty. As i was saying, i took a loan at the bank to help my mother. I tought that it would be "piece of cake" to afford it. I was WRONG. Three years later, im now against attourneys because i couldnt afford paying the loan + interest (i was fired without a reason from my former job), and was 8 months without a job, just repairing Pc computers every day i could. That thing (the loan), ate me. In every single sense.

Im right now owing the bank around 2.000 dollars (two thousand dollars). So far, i have managed to pay all the rest, and this is the only thing that i have to afford.

Im very sure same of you, or a lot of you, would say "c´mon, its a little!!! do the effort and pay that and get rid of that ghost"!!! Yes, its what would cost a Blizzard PPC + a Cyberstorm PPC = almost nothing :D

Well, believe me. I cant. I have sold around 80/90% of my stuff. Not sold, almost gave away, in order to be able to afford all my accounts.

So, i have arrived to a point in which, i have the last things in my posession trying to find a good buyer locally, a person who can/be able to take not only good care of the stuff which was in my hands for more than 20 years.

I know, we are talking about "things" here, material things that maybe tomorrow, or day after tomorrow i will be able to afford them again. Im not talking exactly about that. Maybe some of you will understand me. With THAT things, i see half of my life going away. For me, they were not just mere "material objects" (in this case, "simple computers". They were my company, my only friends who never complained (Well, sometimes my A1200 would showed me some nice colours telling me she was not happy with something i did) :D.

They were there, silent, watching me, witnessing my decline, my collapse, either physical, mental, pocket. Im already feeling nostaliga, and im a melancholic guy....and very, very sensitive (unfortunately).

I have come to a moment in my life when i watch my walls and ask myself if i should leave Amiga scene, or should i stay, despite all this thing ... that is eating me alive.

I know, i can sell my last pieces of Amigas, afford the bank, get a relief, pay the lawyers, and start all back again.

As i said to some good friend in A.org (something about the site having mojo ->Mike Myers), my stuff has some "mojo". I would be very very sad to see it go, and i know it would be very hard for me to recover.

But, on the other hand, finishing paying all my debts will bring peace to my mind. Amigas also have always brought peace to my mind (but not to my pockets :D). If you know what i mean. Im very close to acomplish and pay all the debts, im at 99% of the stage completed, but at this final step, i dont know how to do it. Its very, very hard for me to get that money all together. And i have to pay all together. If i have a delay, im only paying interests, not real debt. I receive between 5 and 10 calls to my telephone every single day "reminding me" my debt. Its exhausting to anybody i guess. If i were Aladdin and the genious asked me for 1 wish, of course i would say: "gimme 2 grands so i can finish paying the debts, and bring me happines to my life, so i can enjoy Amigas all over again.- I have made huge, huge efforts so far, it took me almost 3 years to pay everything, and that period literally, ate all my energy. Besides, i wont be able to ask for a loan again to buy a house or a car or something like that for about 10 years, because of my record with the banks. And unfortunately, in this country, people of my age cant buy a house/flat without the help of the bank.

This kind of dilemma, which would seem very "stupid" "easy", has becoming a truly nightmare for me.

I know, you will always be here and be a bunch of friends/family, giving me support all and anytime i need. This is how its been since my very first day using this magical computers and since the very first day i entered the net and found some colleagues (1998).

I could simply keep my A1200 with a 030 on it, some 4GB CF and be happy with Whdload games Not at this time. I know that. I sold all my stuff. I paid almost all my debts. Now, im without my precious stuff, which took me ages to find/afford, all gone away like in a breath. And now its all but emptyness. Debts still there. Amiga stuff no more next to me. And the few pieces, dont bring me happiness. Not at this time. And i even owe some money to 2 or 3 Amigans , that i promised to pay them as soon i can. And im ashamed of not being able to do it until now.

Somebody on the other forum called me "an Amiga Warrior". Well, this warrior, needs to rest i guess. Maybe i could rise up again, like i did. But this time, i dont have the strenght to do it, im exhausted. I would like to throw the towel, like the boxers do. That is the only thing i want to do most of the day.

Yes, this has a name: depression. And im under a huge one. And i see no way out, no exit this time. Im trapped, like in a labyrinth, and unfortunately, im not Theseus. And this depression thing + the panic attacks + the phobias, has taken over my passion with Amiga. So, besides selling most of my most precious/expensive stuff to afford all debts, im no happy. I mean, im happy i could paid almost everything. But, Im sad. Im sad about leaving the scene. And im sad about being afraid to regret later, if the day when my depression goes away to see that im empty with nothing around . And im not talking Amiga-exclusive. Im talking about family, friends, girfriend..

And im afraid, that after paying all my debts, and with no Amiga around me, i will go again under depression. Yes..i can buy another here...i know...but...:oops: not the same...

Im sad of almost anything. And the worst thing: im sad about me, i feel pain for myself. And i hate that, and i hate myself for letting this happen, for letting this going so far. But i couldnt do anything. I dont know how to. Im paralyzed

Its like im watching the movie of my life, but in that movie im not the main character.

As i said, im 34, and when asked, i dont see any plans for my future. I dont have a house, (i rent a flat), neither a car, nor a family (as told, my girlfriend who was the only one supporting me here, is about to drop me, and i fully understand her), so when asked about my plans, my future, what i want to be, where i want to go, i only say, "i hope tomorrow to wake up and all this sh**t gone away for good, and never return). Of course, all my friends, relatives, known people of my age, are already married, with lovely children, etc etc etc. And im kind of "stucked" here, without being able to move in any direction. Its like something below the floor, holds my legs and dont let me fly away. I only live on a day-after-day basis, unable to watch over that. I dont know how/where to begin the change.

I know, my life related with Amiga should and deserves a happy ending, but i guess that is only "hollywoodesque", and im not in Hollywood :)

My Amigas took a huge part of my life, and im proud of that. I enjoyed every single second with my miggys, but now, i dont have that feeling anymore.

The bottom line: keep or not at least 1 machine, despite all, or quit the scene, never look back again, go further, and (maybe), go sad again, remembering good old times, that would never come...all my debts paid, but empty in my soul, which is a truly Amiga soul in all sense of the word.

Maybe im being too extreme, and there is something between this two ideas i have... i simple dont know...

(Lets dream a little mode on)

My ideal scenario would be:

- all debts paid. My pocket recovered, my financial status "normal" again.
- my girlfriend still next to me, projecting a future together
- recover and have all the happiness and willingness to live that i have lost trough all this last years (of course, that includes willingness to enjoy life AND Amiga culture again). So, besides selling all the stuff to pay finally the 1% i still owe, dont feel empty or sad, or depressed or anything like that for not having anything Amiga-related anymore. I know, it would be a huge, huge pain for me, but hey...you cant have both of the two worlds at the same time... (That means that someone here, will have to sell me his Blizzard, Picasso, machine they have :D ). Again, for me, they are more than just "simple material thing". They have my spirit, my soul, thats why the "to quit or not to quit". If i let them go, my spirit and my soul goes with them... Somebody told me , many moons ago, that i seized so much to this machines because of me being melancholic...

But the balance should be centered: on one side the debts, on the other side keeping/not keeping Amiga stuff + my depression related/not related with the fact of leaving Amiga scene, and my lost of interest in the Amiga at this time in my life (which is a direct consequence of my depressive status).
- keep what i still have Amiga related, starting all over, with the same passion and love for the platform i used to have

(Lets dream a little mode off)

If anybody here has the receipt to cure all my heals...im here awaiting for it :)

If you have read until here, all i can say is a big THANK YOU, for at least, taking 10 minutes to read all this. And THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU HAVE DONE TO ME, AND ALL THIS MARVELLOUS MOMENTS WE SHARE :bowdown:

YOU GUYS ROCK, AMIGA ROCKS, THIS FORUM ROCKS.

Thanks for letting me exprese myself 100%, and letting me express from the deep of my soul. Sorry if i bother somebody or if after reading all this you become bored. But here is the only place on earth where i can express all my feelings without being prejudged.

Truly
Sebastian
 

Kin Hell

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Hey Seb,

What a grocery list! :blink:

I think you meant the recipie & not the reciept to get your life back on track. Unfortunately, the only person holding the recipie is you & life is only as complex as we make it for ourselves.

RE your health, I could only advise you not to worry about it. Doing so will only cause your paranoia to deepen & this is not healthy in any manner. Stop listening to the little voice in your head & listen to your heart more. You'll always find the answers when you use your heart to think. Use your head & that little subconcious voice in your head will keep getting in the way. ;)

I'm sure you'll suss it all out eventually but meantime, I hope you can get back on track sometime real soon.

Kind Regards & Sincere Wishes,

Charlie
 

jvdbossc

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Sebastian,

I will take more time to read youre posting this evening but from reading a couple of pages, I already feel that you are living on the edge, you sound as if you are about to break.

It's positive that you ask for help and express the problems that you have, so basicaly I feel that you are able to do something about them, and recognising that you have problems, is very positive.

If I were you I would search for help, any sort. Don't feel ashamed, a lot of people are in that postition, or will be in that position in the future.

Trie to concentrate on the few positive things, make up a plan to deal with problems, have an organised live, get enough sleep. If you feel you are about to break, ask for proper medication. Force yourself in a healthy rittem. if feeling stressed do some sports.. If it all means nothing to you any more and you feel that badly, that you can't have an healthy live, you will need help.

I already know a few people with deep problems, in a certain stage YOU CAN NOT recover on your own, because when they have it bad they don't listen to solutions any longer, and they have the solution in front of their nose, and don't have financial problems. Watch out for that situation. Slow but certain constant steps in the right direction (in your plan) should be carried out daily!
 

Justin

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hey Seb,
All i can offer you is friendship, i hope you stay.
I'm not going to go into the details of my life, but small steps m8, sell your things, pay your debts (you can get this stuff again, i know they mean a lot to you but sometimes we have to secrifice all), hopefully that will lift a wieght from you mind, if you are less stressed you may become happier, then maybe your girlfriend will stay, just take it one baby step at a time.

take care Seb and stick around, there is always a friendly ear/word here :)

cheers, JuvUK
 

Merlin

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@ Sebastian

A lot of us on here have been where you are now; many more than you could ever imagine.....

The best advice I can give you is to stay focussed on the things that matter most; your family, your health and your job, in that order. You helped your family when it mattered most, don't be too proud to ask for help yourself; your mother is always your mother....

If you need to vent steam, use this thread or AmiRant to do it; that's why we have these areas on the site.

In addition to all of this, remember that you will always have a friendly ear to talk to here, that you have friends and you are NOT alone.

Stay strong and don't be a stranger, OK?

(y) :grouphug:

Dave
 

Buleste

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I think the fact that you are willing to face your fears every day to get to work shows great bravery and is something to be very proud of. I suffer from severe depression and anxiety. I've tried most conventional and natural remedies and I've learnt 2 things. 1) There's no magic pill. You can only try find something that keeps it under control long enough for you to be able to get the world around you a little friendlier. 2) A good nights sleep is worth a million dollars. Have a good nights sleep and you feel a little better. A weeks good sleep and you begin to feel almost human again. I can't tell you what will definitely work for you but for me a small pillow filled with Hops and Lavender placed in a pillow case works for me. I don't sleep for longer but I do get a better quality of sleep that is rarely disturbed with bad dreams (again there's no cure but if it helps it's better than nothing).

As for your financial and Amiga situation only you know what's the best thing to do for you. However if you do decide to sell your Amiga stuff then rest assured "You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave" (Cue guitar riff).;)

I hope things get better for you and get sorted out soon.
 

RedDaemonFox

Amiga's enemy is my enemy!
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Seb,
I enjoyed reading your post, I am very sorry that you are depressed and you're in all this mess. I can give you a few tips:

Get that debt paid ASAP, but don't drain the bank to do it, its best to do what you can afford and nothing that will drain your savings.

For the dreams, I suggest you look up lucid dreaming, the ability to control your dreams and hopefully you can get a good night sleep.

For the depression, there is no medicinal cure, thats for certain, but what I do is set aside a few hours each day and I do what I want to do, alone. It helps me to disregard the small things in life, and appreciate the big picture.


Anyways, stick around if you can, you're a pleasure on the site and you have my ear if you need it!
 

Seaside

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As the gr8 wizard said

"A lot of us on here have been where you are now; many more than you could ever imagine....."

I'm not experienced in a case like yours BUT.

I can tell you for a close relative (my ant - hope she d@es wherever she is now) of mine that destroyed her kid,her husband,my father,me and my other uncle along with his kid

HOW: She played-gambled in the f@ckin cards,money,jewelry,houses and a lot more. Everyday i blaim my father cause back then didn't send the bitch to the hospital. I would be a business-man now not a person with Bachelor's & Master's degree seeking for new job in this f@cking country. Or try to live with 700 euros salary.

I would be cool and nice me and the others. Because of her and for the BIG MISTAKES of the past we fighting every day to survive.

I owe money to my credit card. The amount is double like the one you mentioned & something more.

I'm 30 and i haven't fulfill (according to my standards) a lot of things in my life. Stuff like trips,parties and a lot more. From 1990 until now i'm spending money for computers,tv's,car accessories. I did not gave attention to my health. Now i have problems with my back. I gave up basketball and swimming for computers. All these years my money (most of them) went for every kind of bullsh@t and nothing for my myself. Few years ago i destroyed even my relationship cause i wanted to buy every new processor and graphic card for my PC and didn't want to spend my money for me or her.

I have a relationship now and i'm willing to keep it (things are going well and i might get married). So when i complete in 6 months my collection everything will go to sleep mode. Alternatively to shut down mode.

I'm not even sure for tommorow. Nobody is. If i'm gonna be fine or if i'll go to work.

So live your life today don't worry but keep in mind the future. Support and help your girlfriend. She is able to hold your hand for many years. A computer can't do that or a huge collection.

Be cautious with your health and don't get depressed for life-less things such as computers.

Keep one-two maybe 3 things you like and sell the rest to find piece in your mind.


We all carry out problems and our stories.

BE STRONG................(y)(y)(y)(y)(y)(y)(y)(y)(y)

And remember most of the knowledge we have we owe it to the mistakes we did in the past. And we have many many things to learn.


BE COOL....................(y)(y)(y)(y)(y)(y)(y)(y)(y)


YOU CAN BUY AMIGA'S BUT YOU CAN'T BUY YOUR HEALTH.
 

JLPedro

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Just don't despair (cry helps a lot)! I suffer from the same problem, and i managed to keep my head up for the last 5 years (with up's and down's...), my hife also at start didn't understood what was apening to me, and thing's got a bit messy.
Don't let the Drs do what they please, only you really know the dificulties you'r going over, if you think they are pushing two many pills on your troat than probably they are cause they don't have a clue what we feel.
For me the worse is beind, i now take a really minimum medication a day and live 90% normaly (yes sometimes stress takes over... you know what i mean).
I just hope i could do more to help you...:grouphug:
 

jvdbossc

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I had a complete read of the original post and I only wan't to add: (In my personal opinion, I did not study ...)

1) If you loose a complete collection, there is emulation and I would consider it strange, when my house would be burned down, I could not be member any longer, just because I did not have any Amiga anymore. (eeh that would not happen since stock at my parents, but hey theoratical speaking)

2) Pills don't solve problems:mad: They help you to move on, and afterwards you need to pay the bill for those.. (taking less etc..) A little like alcohol, I use it somethimes like medicine, but it makes it worse. You become a prisoner after a while, that is why I don't drink every day.

3) I love commodore a lot, especially the C64, and Amiga to.. If I would have the last unit to sell because of problems, I would sell it, priority is important, computers are less important then having debts, no food etc..

4) You can replace everything, but since we are human, it is difficult to part with loved ones, and males have more problems with that then females, they think more logic, no future, no go. One of my friends who had a lovely girl and had mental problems had the same happening.

Add on: She's 28 by now and here new guy could be her dad, but hey she's happy.. I'll respect that, how strange I find it, I respect choices, it's not up to me to be god. I'll have my thought and don't speak after(y) But don't feel negative, it does not mean it will go the same in your case, it took 7 years for them..

5) I think after reading it properly you are in the don't understand fase, not able to act a lot, but please try to move on:

Hope medication gets you a little bit better, so you can move on.. That is my view, hope I did not offend you in any way, just looking to help out. Is there no help for you in your country? We have various support... If I would feel like you I could go in day terapy..
 

StrontiumDog

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never_give_up1024x768.jpg
 

portarinos

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Come on Seb!!! On your knees boy!!! I know it's tough not to be able to overcome your fears and toughest of all is to know what's happening but think that you can't resist to it. AFAIK one remedy would be not to think about it and focus on everything that could fill up your day in a creative way. Today i spoke to a very close friend of mine who happens to be a really good psychiatrist in the UK. Actually i pointed him to your post and the first thing he told me is that you suffer from a common agoraphobic syndrome, of which you are most likely aware. It is so common that you could rest assured you are not the only one that faces it. Of course, this couldn't be anything more than a fast diagnosis but it makes sense. A good medical treatment of course and an appropriate doctor is a must.

So, what i suggest practically is not to lose contact with everything that gives you pleasure. Not to mention that Amiga and all the related forums should continue to be a part of your everyday life. As for the card i have promised you, i'll let you know what will be done via PM. Take care m8!
 

desiv

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Quick reply here..
Hang in there...
You don't have to have your Amiga to be a member here. We're here for you either way..

Don't worry about the debt. Work on it. But don't obsess over it. Years ago, when my GF (at the time) and I started to work on our debt, we had much more than $2k in debt. We set up plan and decided to have everything paid off in 5 years. Took a bit more than that, but we got there. Even managed to get married and get a house eventually...
Unfortunately, life sucks sometimes.. She got sick and passed away. Worst part of my life...
She was/is an incredible person. I am incredibly lucky to have had her in my life.

Keep up the therapy. I went to a therapist for years after that.

Life is pretty good now. Remarried (my first wife made me promise to "not do anything stupid" and to remarry) eventually to a great person.

I still think about her every day. Still hurts.. I wouldn't trade that for anything.
Life is pretty good now. I'm sure it will get bad again, because it's like that..

So, my advice is do what you need to do.. Keep at it... Ride it through...

All things considered, it's worth sticking with it over the long run...
You can "quit" owning retro computers and use emulation and/or just hang out here and bit@h with us over whatever we're complaining about.
(Usually something involving Kin I think.. :)
If when you're ready later, you can rejoin the physical fold. Who knows, maybe you'll join by having a "retro-natami" by then. ;-)

And never be worried about talking about it.

Take it easy...

desiv
 

Countraven

New member
Joined
Sep 9, 2008
Posts
424
Country
GREECE
Seb:

I have read your post very carefully and I have to share those thoughts with you.

1. There is actually NO way for you to quit the Amiga scene. So do not waste your time and energy making yourself such a question: "leave or stay?". 24 years (since 1986) is a whole life dude and for you the Amiga is simply not a hobby, or some kind of fan stuff. The Amiga is a part of yourself and life. The passion and pure love about Amiga, the big, full of light Idea behind Amiga, the happy moments you had (and will have) with Amiga are all simply INSIDE YOU being a part of YOUR self. So even if you choose to quite, even if you sell everything, even you try never to look back again, the very next moment you would find yourself inside the stuff again. It is natural. It is you. Even with no Amiga at home, your very next log in to Internet from a PC for example will naturally bring you in front an Amiga forum for example.

2. All you need is a method that would help to go along your problems. Those problems are like a little or bigger war. You have some weapons on your side. Even if you are getting tired using those weapons because you have not seen the desired result so far, leaving the battle and throwing all those weapons away will make things just worse. What are you weapons?

a. First of all you are able to work, you got a job. This way you have some money going inside your hands. Even if those money are not enough for your final target which is the final payment of the loan, they are a BIG something helping you to pay your rent, and going through some basic needs. This is very important cause if you have to give the fight for this basic stuff (rent, food, bills) thinks would have been more than worse.

b. You have a talent, a capability with computer hardware. You told us that you were earning money at the times of no job by fixing PCs. Of course Amiga was a main factor that made you to become even better on hardware I guess. If you are able to assemble / fix an Amiga then a PC would be a piece of cake. Right? So why don't you use this talent / capability to make some EXTRA money????? You can start fixing PCs again at your spare time when you return from work. And every single pound you are getting for this job you can put it aside for the loan payment. You see? This is the method I was mentioning earlier. You can manage your time to go through this stuff on weekends, or some spare afternoons. It will be a nice filler.

c. You have a family. And it is a great family that loves you and you love them. This was clearly understood for your post. Ok they ARE NOT ABLE to understand you because THEY ARE NOT FACING your medical problem, but that DOES NOT mean that THEY DO NOT LOVE YOU. It is very important to have someone to LOVE you man. When you LOVE you CARE. Sometimes those who loves us are not able to provide with the correct solutions in our special problems but they are able to provide with care and support in their own way. This is very important. Do not judge em negatively for not be able to understand. They are somehow out of the game. But they still love you. Plus you have your girflriend. She is with you three years so far. She is STILL with you. So not all the part of the girlfriend game is lost. She is a big soul if she is with you all this time supporting. Not the most typical action for women. My ex girlfriends have left me for the most ridiculous reasons EVER. Your gf should be special. There is a possibility to loose her right. But this fact should give you more POWER. Yes you do not want to loose her right? So on your knees soldier! Fight against the monster again! Do it FOR HER and FOR YOU. FOR YOU and FOR HER. A temporary split could be a wound of this war. But I am sure that she would probably accept to re unite if she would notice an improved Seb. But hey. Let's not bring the end still. You are STILL with her.

Wow man. Job, capability, family and girlfriend. You already have enough weapons to fight.

----

3. Lets go back to the method that would bring you more money to pay the loan. First of all RELAX. I guess that NO bank would get you straight in prison for 2000 $$$. You have already paid for the rest. Typical example: I already owe 1000 to my bank and I do not give a ****. I will pay when I am able. I know I will do it. And the money was more than 1000 originally but I paid little by little. You also want those bloody phone calls to stop? Change a mobile / home phone. Those ;ittle dirty tricks can give you some more time.

If you think that selling some more of the Amiga stuff of your collection will be the key solution to grab fast those 2000 $$$. DO IT. I know it is hard to do, but remember. You are in a little war and a war has some sacrifices. And I am expressing it that easily cause you HAVE ALREADY done it in a big part. You have already SOLD. And you ALREADY KNOW THE collection's resurrection SOLUTION: Remember what you have written? "someone got to sell his accelerator and Picasso tome". THAT IS RIGHT. Without the pressure of the loan you can start again.!!!!!!!!!

I can understand that the SPECIFIC machines mean a lot to you. But actually it is not the machine! It is YOU and YOUR spirit inside each machine!!!!!! YOU MADE each machine what it is. You have your OWN signature upon it. YOU can DO it with the NEXT one. You would put the same love and passion and the results will be the same. Cause that is the way Amiga works. Treating it with love, passion and care makes it always to be a wonderful machine.

I do not know which part of your collection is still on your hand but reading that you had all the Commodore and Amiga line makes me thing that you would still have enough. I am right or wrong? Even with only 5 or 10 Amigas on your hands now, or even 3 or 4. You can STILL make this little sacrifice and sell some stuff -that should be expensive if it is able to bring you 2000 $ cash- and I am sure that you can STILL keep some of your original machines.

Just think of the day that you got no ****ing bank messing around you. You would still got your favorite Amiga or Amigas at home (form the original collection) and you will be able to start building the SEB'S COLLECTION ERA 2: THE GOLDEN YEARS. Plus there could be STILL the big possibility NOT to sell if you manage to bring the PC repairing extra job back in business.

If paying that loan makes you feel better do it. Think of your health and of your beloved ones. We still can buy more Amiga hardware. But as other people said we can NOT buy our health. Seb in better condition will be a big happiness for his beloved ones right? Well beloved ones are better than computers, believe me.


4. About the medical / health part I can not write much cause I am not a specialist. I would just repeat what Kinie have pointed. Use your heart more often than your mind. IT is YOU that you are hanging the key to the problem and your life in general. Of course the correct doctor is needed to support but I AM SURE that if you manage to go through those problems that lay you down -for example the loan-, if you start to see some positive RESULTS after your fight then you would be AUTOMATICALLY better. The first smile of success will bring a happier Seb in the foreground. A more happier Seb will make his family and girlfriend happier. More happiness----> more power. Plus:: Pills are not always the bets solution. So be careful with them.

5. About the fact that you have been comparing your friend's / ex classmates / common people of your age with you and what have you managed to do. Well I used to do the same and this was a total waste. It took me time to understand that EACH one of us is a very SPECIAL person in the whole universe and has to go on through his very UNIQUE circumstances. Life of each one of us is special. And most of the time life is a bitch. We got to fight. No matter the sadness. And WE are setting our goals! And we shuld be proud of them. Your goal was to take a loan and help your mother!! Perhaps with those money you could have a flat or car. But you did something much more important! So be proud. And if there would be someone to make criticism of you because you do not have a car. Well ignore him... His life is trapped inside a little car and only. No time for loosers.
Well a car or a house not in rent would be ok but is this all the meaning of life hidden on those goods? You do not have those things now. This DOES not MEAN that you would not be able to have em someday. IT depends on YOU. Again I would repeat myself: Do not feel negative cause you do not have a car. For sure you have something more precious than a car or a house and those who have set the car as a big standard would never be able to understand.

About family and children? Well all in time dude. You are just 34. Family and children should be the result of a happy life (Remember the happiness I was mentioning before) and not just a "to do" thing as any of the common people thing. We are not on earth just to drop some children around. Family is a result of happiness, and love. Only this way it should be a happy family. You got the key to bring the happiness back to you and your beloved ones. After this you will be able to move on the Your Own Family chapter, having kept your job of course. Cause family needs money :)

Well those were my thoughts. Believe me I am not expressing all this stuff being out of the game. I have been through difficult and terrible moments myself and only by NOT GIVING up, I managed to go through the hard times. And when you manage to escape the hard times man, the happy times are much happier. One who has met the darkness can admire the light much more.

I know the fight is hard sometimes. I am a sensitive person to. I know that there would be time needed for the results. I know that sometimes you feel alone and fragile but it is better to fight that simply say "I can not" and drive things to worse. I pointed it before. And NO do not make the mistake I am writing all those in an easy mode. I understand you. I have been in dark places.


NEVER GIVE UP!

i WISH ALL THE BEST.

And when you feel like sharing some thoughts or communicating with someone. I will be there. Just PM.

Best

Chris
 
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arnljot

Dad, gamer, nerd, amigian
Joined
Feb 5, 2008
Posts
3,845
Country
Oslo
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Oslo
Seb.

I´m glad that you chose to share your problems with us. I read all of your post when you made it, and I wanted to reply, but anything beyone a few words is near impossible with a cell phone. And your post deserves a propper response!

It´s obvious to us all that you are near if not at the breaking point. But there is hope for you as you reach out to us, so keep talking and try crying as it really helps. Also don´t dig yourself down or lock yourself in as I´m sure you know it compounds the problem.

Now, what made me proud to be a member of this forum is Chris´ very well written and good response above here. He and others here points out your strengths here, so embrace them and use them as your tools in this situation.

I hope you stay here with us, as your enthusiasm and cheer is an inspiration to the rest of us. And like any real human, you´re a good sharing person Sebastian.
 

tokyoracer

(Not actually from Tokyo).
Blogger
Joined
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Posts
4,907
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United Kingdom
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Norfolk
That pic reminded me of a movie that's worth seeing if you feel like that Seb.

Look up "Touching the Void". :)
 

Merlin

Ministry of Retr0bright and Street Judge
VIP
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Nov 24, 2007
Posts
15,597
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@ Gavilan

Seb mate, always remember this...

"No Retreat, No Surrender...."

(y)
 

Jambalah

New member
Joined
Feb 20, 2009
Posts
36
Country
Rome, Italy
Region
Lazio
No, no, no Sebastian!
Stop thinking bad. As you are a winner!!!
Only loosers think they could always win. Strong men know how to loose!!!
I've been practicing wing chun kung fu for almost 4 years and the first thing I managed is how to receive fists and pain and laugh :)nuts:)!
Life does the same to all of us, whipping our backs and pretending we laugh over!
I shouldn't practice heavy or violent phisical activity 'cos I have a cronical intestinal desease and I've almost destroyed my meniscus. But I do! I have to do it....
I'm 44 and lost my work (I had a bar) and I'm in a period of my life noone here would offer my a serious work although I could rip off the a** of a younger person. And I have to say "thanks" if someone would offer me to clean toilets for a 10 euros!!
And debts are and will knocking on my door every month.. ;)
And you know?!? I'm really enjoying!!!!
Calm... I'm not crazy nor fists are fired my neurons:LOL:
You said true: you are a warrior! So warriors fight!
They could cry, they could stop and thing about....
They also could thing to have been defeated.
A warrior fight. Always...
Fight for yourself, this is the most important thing! Don't loose your health for nothing and let doctors outside your life. The best medicine is life itself!!!!
Amiga is there inside you and if you still have a passion you can and have to fight for that.
And if you want to start again and you are sure to do that, tell me.
I have an A1200 waiting for you. If you want, I can send you even now!!
And don't dare to speak about money!!!! This is a gift!!
This is the medicine. Something to fight for... (y)
Take care and never give up. You don't really want people says "I was right... He is a looser, I told you!", do you?
 

gavilan

Amiga user & abuser since 1988
AmiBayer
Joined
Dec 14, 2007
Posts
335
Country
Argentina
Region
Buenos Aires
Hello my FRIENDS (yes, in bold, because i need you to know that i feel you like my REAL VIRTUAL FRIENDS (whatever that means :LOL:)

As you may have seen over the past few days, i have been slowly returning to the site, to sell some stuff, to share some points...so, basically...this post is to tell you that im coming, slowly but firmly

(You can check my sig as well that shows my state of mind i guess :D)

Anyway, let me say that i have no words to describe what i read all over this thread. You guys ROCK, and i really mean it.

I have no other way to thank you rather than saying that im shocked, amazed, surprised, so glad, with your warm, comfortable responses to me.

I didnt even dreamt or expected such a positive and great feedback i got from you.

This is the main reason why, even tough this site is not very old, i consider myself to be into some kind of "big family" where we all take care of each other, in some way, and we have a very warm, lovely place to gather, with the excuse of sharing a passion (of course, Amiga), but we also have the chance (at least in my case) of knowing some very very good people, to be able to make very good friendship with the sole excuse of buying/selling/trading, and to feel that i have a "retaining wall", when/if i fell down and got depressed its great, because i dont feel alone, and its amazing also how i have built some kind of trust with many of you, that im not ashamed of telling you how i feel, telling you things that even my best friend doesnt know.

It was a truly awful experience what i have lived in the last months, but slowly, sun is beginning to rise again in my life. The "Amiga Warrior", as somebody described me, is returning, i can feel that very deeply inside me ;)

Im not with my girlfriend anymore (well, actually, we kind of split for a while since i barely care myself and i cant offer all what she needs/wants, and i cant blame her, ´cos she has been next to me trough very, very difficult times, and her patience is no longer with her, and i fully understand her, but im confident that while im "fixing" my life, we will be together again in the near future (i hope cos i love her so so much), but despite that i feel stronger every day. My psychiatrist is slowly taking out some of the huge amount of pills that im taking, so that also is a very good signal.

I feel quiet, dont have the feeling that everything is wrong or dark as i used to have, so im beginning to find the much needed balance and peace in my life (and in my mind & heart).

Alas, my interest in Amiga is slowly re-borning again...so...i can only say

THANK YOU for ALL the messages and all the support you gave me trough my difficult times :bowdown:

I will never forgive this, and i truly hope that on my next trip to Europe, i will be able to meet you alive and invite you some beer and cheer (y)

Sincerely
Sebastian

PD: be prepared to find me more often around, since amibay is kind of my second house :nod:

Peace to all
 
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