the worlds funniest jokes
- Thread starter Justin
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tokyoracer
(Not actually from Tokyo).
Hahahaa... oh I was brought up Catholic so this makes sence. 
Have to admit I agree with the guy though, such a crummy invite slip.
Have to admit I agree with the guy though, such a crummy invite slip.
Nathanieltolbert
Active member
The funniest joke I've read in a while.
The funniest joke I've read in a while.
Okay I read this on the Natami site which I go to when I'm curious about the possibility of it coming out within my lifetime. They have a joke thread now and this was posted there. I was literally crying laughing so hard, because I have lived in Texas and it's only a slight exaggeration of the truth. So I will post the whole post here, verbatim rather than cut anything out. Here goes. Posted by J. Ballard
Posts 4
03 May 2010 20:23
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an
inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from New York.Frank:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy crap, what the he!! is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting crap-faced from all of the beer...
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili..
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I think I broke wind-four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulphuric flames. I greased my shorts when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally and that damn golden retriever. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. Oh no, the damn dog ate some of that stuff.
Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slidunnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of a smoldering substance that matches the color of my shirt and my belly button is sticking out so far it looks like it's trying to escape. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing-it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Oh great!! Now the dog is
doing butt-scoots across the grass he's in so much pain.
Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down
on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella,
wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Would someone use the fire extinguisher on the dog?
I apologize in advance if I offend anyone with this joke, but it was so funny I just had to share it with everyone here. Have a good evening!
The funniest joke I've read in a while.
Okay I read this on the Natami site which I go to when I'm curious about the possibility of it coming out within my lifetime. They have a joke thread now and this was posted there. I was literally crying laughing so hard, because I have lived in Texas and it's only a slight exaggeration of the truth. So I will post the whole post here, verbatim rather than cut anything out. Here goes. Posted by J. Ballard
Posts 4
03 May 2010 20:23
If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an
inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from New York.Frank:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy crap, what the he!! is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting crap-faced from all of the beer...
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili..
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I think I broke wind-four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulphuric flames. I greased my shorts when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally and that damn golden retriever. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. Oh no, the damn dog ate some of that stuff.
Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as
he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slidunnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of a smoldering substance that matches the color of my shirt and my belly button is sticking out so far it looks like it's trying to escape. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing-it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Oh great!! Now the dog is
doing butt-scoots across the grass he's in so much pain.
Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down
on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella,
wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Would someone use the fire extinguisher on the dog?
I apologize in advance if I offend anyone with this joke, but it was so funny I just had to share it with everyone here. Have a good evening!
s
The pub landlord is outside wiping the tables down following a summer shower. The air is fresh & everything is green with that lovely summer smell. Whilst wiping the last table off, he looks down to see 3 ducks waddling around as ducks do. Whilst looking at them, one of the ducks looks up & says;
"Ello m8y!"
The landlord is somewhat gob smacked that a Duck should be talking but replies politely to the duck saying;
Goodness me & whats your name then?
The duck replies, "My name is Tom"
"Well Tom" says the landlord "what sort of a day have you had so far?"
The duck says, "I've had an absolutely brilliant day today. I've been in & out of puddles all day.
"I'm really pleased for you" retorts the landlord & looks at the second duck asking him his name.
The second duck says, "Hi fella. My name is Dick."
"Pleased to meet you Dick" replies the landlord, "& what sort of a day have you had today?"
Dick replies, "Absolutely awesome thank's" with a beaky smile. "I too have been in & out of puddles all day. It's been brilliant".
"I'm really pleased for you" retorts the landlord & looks at the third duck saying;
"I guess your name is Harry then?".
The third duck stops waddling with a flipper in the air, turns around to the landlord & says;
"Wtf are you on!? - My name is Puddles & I've had a terrible day!"
Kin
"Ello m8y!"
The landlord is somewhat gob smacked that a Duck should be talking but replies politely to the duck saying;
Goodness me & whats your name then?
The duck replies, "My name is Tom"
"Well Tom" says the landlord "what sort of a day have you had so far?"
The duck says, "I've had an absolutely brilliant day today. I've been in & out of puddles all day.
"I'm really pleased for you" retorts the landlord & looks at the second duck asking him his name.
The second duck says, "Hi fella. My name is Dick."
"Pleased to meet you Dick" replies the landlord, "& what sort of a day have you had today?"
Dick replies, "Absolutely awesome thank's" with a beaky smile. "I too have been in & out of puddles all day. It's been brilliant".
"I'm really pleased for you" retorts the landlord & looks at the third duck saying;
"I guess your name is Harry then?".
The third duck stops waddling with a flipper in the air, turns around to the landlord & says;
"Wtf are you on!? - My name is Puddles & I've had a terrible day!"
Kin
Justin
Active member
@ Kin,
top joke m8
top joke m8
i met a fairy today who granted me one wish,, i want to live forever i said sorry said the fairy ,, i am not allowed to ok wishes like that ,, fine i said , i want to die when england win the world cup,, 'you crafty bastard!' said the fairy
A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job.
The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?"
"I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man.
Furious, the CEO asks "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?"
The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back."
The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?"
From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200."
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job.
The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?"
"I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man.
Furious, the CEO asks "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?"
The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back."
The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?"
From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200."
Beer Manual
Beer Manual
Since that's a subject that I know plenty, here comes a guide for noobs:
PROBLEM: Your beer is abnormally pale and flavourless.
REASON: Your glass is empty.
SOLUTION: Order a new beer! What are you waiting for?
PROBLEM: Your feet's are all wet and warm.
REASON: Problem with urination control.
SOLUTION: Walk up to the next dog and blame the owner for that his dog is poorly trained. Demand a beer as a compensation.
PROBLEM: The wall in front of you is extremely bright.
REASON: You fell on your back.
SOLUTION: Ask someone to tie you to the counter.
PROBLEM: Everything is dark and your mouth is full of cigarette buttons.
REASON: you fell in front of you.
SOLUTION: see above.
PROBLEM: Your beer doesn't taste right and your clothes is getting wet.
REASON: Your mouth isn't open, or you didn't hit your mouth.
SOLUTION: Go to the bathroom and practice in front of the mirror.
PROBLEM: The floor looks kinda blurry.
REASON: You're looking through an empty glass.
SOLUTION: Get yourself another beer.
PROBLEM: The floor is on the move.
REASON: Too much turbulence in the air, probably because of some game results at the Bar.
SOLUTION: tie a broom handle down along the trousers, it should stable you some more.
PROBLEM: The floor is moving.
REASON: Somebody is carrying you outside.
SOLUTION: ask them to bring you to another bar.
PROBLEM: The room is very very dark.
REASON: The bar closed an hour ago.
SOLUTION: Get the private telephone number of your bartender.
PROBLEM: you wake up and find that your bed is hard and wet and cold, you cant see anything inside your room.
REASON: you were sleeping in the loo.
SOLUTION: Look at the clock and see if the Bar is open. If not try and catch some more sleep until the bar opens again.
PROBLEM: You're in your bed and everything starts spinning.
REASON: You drank more than usual.
SOLUTION: Put one foot on the floor to brake (this actually really works for me).
PROBLEM: the taxi driver is a rose-tinted elephant!
REASON: You drank way too much more than usual.
SOLUTION: Ask the elephant to go to an hospital in a hurry!
Beer Manual
Since that's a subject that I know plenty, here comes a guide for noobs:
PROBLEM: Your beer is abnormally pale and flavourless.
REASON: Your glass is empty.
SOLUTION: Order a new beer! What are you waiting for?
PROBLEM: Your feet's are all wet and warm.
REASON: Problem with urination control.
SOLUTION: Walk up to the next dog and blame the owner for that his dog is poorly trained. Demand a beer as a compensation.
PROBLEM: The wall in front of you is extremely bright.
REASON: You fell on your back.
SOLUTION: Ask someone to tie you to the counter.
PROBLEM: Everything is dark and your mouth is full of cigarette buttons.
REASON: you fell in front of you.
SOLUTION: see above.
PROBLEM: Your beer doesn't taste right and your clothes is getting wet.
REASON: Your mouth isn't open, or you didn't hit your mouth.
SOLUTION: Go to the bathroom and practice in front of the mirror.
PROBLEM: The floor looks kinda blurry.
REASON: You're looking through an empty glass.
SOLUTION: Get yourself another beer.
PROBLEM: The floor is on the move.
REASON: Too much turbulence in the air, probably because of some game results at the Bar.
SOLUTION: tie a broom handle down along the trousers, it should stable you some more.
PROBLEM: The floor is moving.
REASON: Somebody is carrying you outside.
SOLUTION: ask them to bring you to another bar.
PROBLEM: The room is very very dark.
REASON: The bar closed an hour ago.
SOLUTION: Get the private telephone number of your bartender.
PROBLEM: you wake up and find that your bed is hard and wet and cold, you cant see anything inside your room.
REASON: you were sleeping in the loo.
SOLUTION: Look at the clock and see if the Bar is open. If not try and catch some more sleep until the bar opens again.
PROBLEM: You're in your bed and everything starts spinning.
REASON: You drank more than usual.
SOLUTION: Put one foot on the floor to brake (this actually really works for me).
PROBLEM: the taxi driver is a rose-tinted elephant!
REASON: You drank way too much more than usual.
SOLUTION: Ask the elephant to go to an hospital in a hurry!
Two guys are at a footbal game. One guy looks down and sees a cellphone on the ground. He picks it up, runs down to the field and gives it to the referee. When he get's back his friend says "how did you know that phone belonged to the ref?" Easy he replied. It had 21 missed calls.
---------- Post added at 13:17 ---------- Previous post was at 13:15 ----------
REASON: It's an American beer
SOLUTION: Order a new beer! What are you waiting for?
---------- Post added at 13:17 ---------- Previous post was at 13:15 ----------
REASON: It's an American beer
SOLUTION: Order a new beer! What are you waiting for?
Very, very true. I've used this solution numerous times after a good drinking night and it worked everytime. :nod:
Unfortunately, it's no cure for a hangover...
The final word on nutrition and health...
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
---------- Post added at 20:44 ---------- Previous post was at 20:41 ----------
http://www.jokebuddha.com/joke/Blonde_Dad
A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.
The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?!"
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
---------- Post added at 20:44 ---------- Previous post was at 20:41 ----------
http://www.jokebuddha.com/joke/Blonde_Dad
A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.
The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?!"
An Avon seller was delivering the products to a client. On the elevator, between one floor and the other, she felt an urge to lay a fart. Since she was alone, she did:
— Pfffffff... What a relief!
Suddenly the elevator reduced the speed and stop on the next floor.
Kickly she grabbed a spray "Avon Pine scent" and spread it over the elevator. When the door opened, a man entered doing a funny face, then he asked:
— What smell is this?
The woman, making an innocent face said:
— Don't know, sir. I don't feel anything different. What smell are you sniffing?
He:
— Don't know exactly... It's like someone had made a dump on the woods...
— Pfffffff... What a relief!
Suddenly the elevator reduced the speed and stop on the next floor.
Kickly she grabbed a spray "Avon Pine scent" and spread it over the elevator. When the door opened, a man entered doing a funny face, then he asked:
— What smell is this?
The woman, making an innocent face said:
— Don't know, sir. I don't feel anything different. What smell are you sniffing?
He:
— Don't know exactly... It's like someone had made a dump on the woods...
